He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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