This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
