Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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