I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize