Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize