my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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