I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Randomize
