Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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