I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
