I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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