This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
