My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
We got so high we made milksteak
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
