Well apparently he's into motor boating.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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