no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
