I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
