Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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