This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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