Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
