doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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