You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
