Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
