Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
