Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
