I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
