lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize