I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
