ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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