she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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