I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
