dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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