Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this boner is exhausting
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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