Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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