my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
