He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
