fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
