I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
