It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
