omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
