if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
