i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
