i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
