the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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