Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
