I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
