fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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