Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
