I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
