He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
