I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
