you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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