Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
