I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
