coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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