I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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