If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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