omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
