Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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