I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We need to get me chipped asap
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
