new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
